be better...

its late

and I should be in bed

(everyone else is)

but my mind has been churning as I watched one of my favorite shows.

its a show about a family and tonight their love and devotion to one another and the parents to their children has stirred something inside me

it has my head spinning and it makes me want to be a better mom.

a better wife.

a better woman.

I am typically hard on myself and always trying to improve

but this last year I have entered a different season where I am learning that God uses my weaknesses just as much or more as my strengths.

sometimes I laugh out loud at myself at how I was as a mom when I first began this journey.

for some reason tonight the image of all of my babies coordinating stands out in my mind.

I fretted over Easter dresses and outfits that I wanted them to wear.

I loved putting it all together... In a way I think it was a way I showed love.

dressing them sweet and nice and all.

but then all of a sudden we reached a point where I was making them miserable stuffing them in things they didn't really like.

fast forward to now and it is so different and I keep thinking about this picture

Back when summer first started one of Cameron's projects had a ground breaking and the kids and I all went.

they picked out special clothes and as we were walking out the door McCoy had an accident. His pants, his shoes and even his shirt were wet so we were scrambling around trying to find matching shoes and more.

He ended up wearing a pair of Weston's old flip flops and we went flying out the door.

We arrived at the ground breaking three minutes after ten and Cameron sent me a message to not come in because it had started and was very formal.

so we waited (and waited) outside. luckily there was a lot of equipment running outside that they watched and we did pretty good.

but as the morning went on one of them had to potty, one threw rocks at the other one and McCoy's shoes kept flying across the parking lot because they were too big.

there came a point when I wondered why I even tried.

eventually I told Cam it was time for us to go and we loaded up and I felt a little defeated.

About an hour later we got a phone call and it was Cam.

He was just calling to tell me thanks for coming.

He said something along the lines that it meant so much having us there and I remembered why we went in the first place.

For him.

It didn't matter what we wore or did; what mattered to him was that we were there.

sometimes things are worth the effort and I am learning that there isn't as much effort involved if I go with things a bit more.

I have one that wants to wear sports outfits everywhere and another who likes only certain dresses and the same popsicle shirt over and over.

and it's O.K.

it doesn't matter and I am thankful I have learned that.

but I want to be honest and say that sometimes I have to bite my tongue when they put something together that I don't agree with.

but I am a better mom than I was before, not perfect, but better.

I have learned they would rather have my attention than watch me look at new fun clothes for them online.

They would rather me give them a hug and hold their hand on the way into church than be frustrated at the outfit I stuffed them in.

and you know what's funny...

I still buy my boys the same shirts sometimes

if I find a pattern I like I usually get them the same one.

and this past year for both Christmas and Easter they ended up wearing matching shirts and not because I made them.

I had bought Weston different outfits for both but he ended up wearing the same shirt as McCoy anyway...

that's the way it goes.

but I am thankful for what I have learned and pray that I continue to love them in the ways that matter and let go of the things that don't.